These are the actual words in the ReTP Marketing Pamphlet, Employee Memo, and Recall Notice, in case you were unable to read it from the pictures:
(I apologize for the poor formatting. I am having trouble formatting the text in Blogger, so some things will not center, and others will.)
Marketing Pamphlet (front)
ReTP
Reusable Toilet Paper for the Conservative Conservationist
You don't want to go without toilet paper. We understand. But you also don't want to kill trees and waste money by buying it over and over and over again. ReTP - a product you can roll with!
With ReTP you can do all the fun things you can do with normal toilet paper, and THEN some! We have designed ReTP to appeal to your multi-purpose lifestyle. ReTP is the Swiss Army Knife of toilet paper, but without any annoying blades to sharpen.
The only limit to ReTP is your imagination!
(top right photo: Stick something up your nose and have a nosebleed? ReTP can help!)
(bottom right photo: Need an alternative to buying costly toilet paper and killing trees? ReTP can help!)
**Note the book on the back of the toilet and under Nic's arm is 'The Agony and the Ecstasy' by Irving Stone**
Marketing Pamphlet (back)
You have a LeakAlertor; you recycle; you buy organic food. You use all the 'Green' products on the market, including recycled toilet paper, but you don't feel that is enough. It's not! ReTP can help you take it to the next level!
Alternative Uses for ReTP:
~Use it as a bandage!
~Use it as a sweatband!
~Use it as a cloth napkin!
~Use it as a towel!
~Use it instead of a baseball to play 'catch' with your kids!
~Use it as a bath cloth, dish cloth, face cloth!
~Use it as a flag! Wave it to show your 'Green Pride!'
~Use it as a teething toy for infants!
Care Instructions/Pricing Information
ReTP is made with your laziness in mind! We know that you hate to spend too much time taking care of your belongings – that was SOO 1970! You would rather throw it away and buy a new one.
That’s why we make ReTP with 100% cotton! Throw it in the laundry with your towels – or if you use ReTP AS your towel, throw it in with your clothes! We don’t care, throw it in the dishwasher! Or, don’t even bother washing it. Hang it on the towel bar in your bathroom to dry! ReTP is so easy to clean.
Who cares about germs and bacteria anymore? Spray it with Lysol. If you believe in the 5-second rule when you drop food on the floor, don’t even bother de-germinizing it at all, you ingest a ton of harmful bacteria already and you’re still alive!
ReTP is made to order. When writing/calling/emailing your purchase requests, make sure to take into consideration how many you will realistically need. Because of the personal intimate nature of ReTP, we recommend you buy one for each member of the household – including the animals. Once you have a ReTP, we guarantee you will bring it with you wherever you go!
$19.95/each (1-5 units)
$18.95/each (6-10 units)
$18.45/each (11-100 units)
$18/each (101-150 units)
$17.95 (151 – 200 units)
$17.90 (201 +)
We do not give further discounts, don’t ask
No Returns, No Refunds
ReTP – the perfect gift for the person who has everything else!
Employee Memo:
Attention All nth Solutions LLC Employees, Owners, and Occupants
The LeakAlertortm was a wonderful idea but not enough. Water conservation, but not tree conservation? What were you thinking? Don’t worry. I’ve fixed it for you.
You must now use the ReTP (Reusable Toilet Paper) at every bathroom visit. This one ReTP shall be shared equally between everyone, regardless of age, race, gender, or reason for use (#1, #2, #3, etc.). Nothing says Family like sharing your germs, and remember . . . this is a family company.
Hang to dry and spritz with Lysol or Fabreeze as needed.
Think ‘bottom line’ – it will save money and increase my inheritance.
Thank you,
Michelle Cain
Recall Notice:
Press Release
Voluntary Safety Recall of ReTP
ReTP Knit Manufacturing has determined that a defect which relates to public health safety exists in ReTP Toilet Paper and is issuing an urgent voluntary recall.
Orlando, FL, June 27, 2010: Due to unforeseeable hygiene issues with ReTP, we have been notified by multiple agencies that many of our customers and gift recipients have contracted Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease after using ReTP as bathroom tissue followed by other uses, such as infant teething toy and toothbrush wiper cloth without disinfecting between uses. If you experience any of the following symptoms, please see your healthcare professional immediately: fever, poor appetite, malaise, sore throat, painful sores in mouth, or non-itchy skin rash with or without blisters. Other concerns include a possible outbreak of the Bubonic Plague.
ReTP Designer, Michelle Cain, has this to say; “We were pioneers on a new frontier. Everyone knows when you walk into unknown territory that there’s risk of being shot with a gun. It happens. Move on. There was nothing we could have done to prevent this from happening, because we were unaware that it was even possible. It was unforeseeable.”
For this reason we advise all ReTP owners to either:
- Mail back your new or used ReTP as soon as possible.
- Throw your ReTP in a hazardous materials trash receptacle.
Information about Mailing Back
If you decide to mail your ReTP back to us, please be aware.
1. We are not issuing refunds. As we have stated, these problems were unforeseeable and could not have been prevented. We were pioneers on a new frontier.
2. You will be responsible for your own shipping fees.
3. You will not receive a new product. No new ReTP will be designed to correct this issue.
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