Brokenness

Nic and I have been reading a chapter a night from the Brokenness/Surrender/Holiness book, by Nancy DeMoss, that my cousin Jess had sent to me last year. While reading about brokenness, I have realized that the moments in my life that stand out the clearest, that brought about the most change in me, were during periods of extreme brokenness. My sister, Colleen, took me to a Sunday night church service the day after my 18th birthday. I was doing all the wrong things, taking my life in the wrong direction, but that night I rededicated my life to Christ. I see it so clearly; what song was playing while I was face-down on the floor sobbing; how I could not see anyone else though the room was packed; and the heaviness that was on my heart . . .until it wasn't. And I was free. It had nothing to do with the sermon, since this happened before that. I was already broken. It was just the moment that I brought that brokenness before God and humbled myself before him.

About a year later I was on a first - and last - date with a man.  A few of his friends were around, but at some point I ended up alone with him at his apartment.  And long story short, God opened a door for me to escape before being raped.  I went home, ashamed and feeling dirty, trying to wash off the feeling of the sexual assault.  The next morning, as the sun was coming up, I drove to my grandparents house (who were away), and lay on the floor of their gazebo.  Sobbing.  Pounding my fists on the ground and crying out to Jesus to wash away the filth.  The crawling all over my skin.  The invasion of areas that were only meant for my husband.  My energy spent, I passed out.  When I awoke a few hours later, I had no pounding headache that normally comes after crying, the feelings of shame and disgust were gone, and I could feel the presence of the Lord with me.  I remember that moment so vividly.  The colors of the world had gone from dark and dull, to vivid and bright.  I had been completely healed.  And to this day I continuously thank God for that moment, that I would not bring any of it into my marriage with Nic.  I thank him for protecting me from even worse, and I pray and cry for the women who could not get away, that the Lord would heal them in an even greater way.

Last year, when my cousin Jess mailed me this book, it was because I had just gone through something very difficult.  I had a 'false' pregnancy, if you could call it that.  I knew Nic and I were unable to have children, but I began to have all the symptoms, down to an internal exam by my OBGYN who was convinced I was carrying a child.  Things were happening that I had never experienced with my body before.  I showed signs of being 6 weeks pregnant.  The problem was, I was NOT pregnant.  We still have no idea how or why it happened, but it was painful.  I have always wanted my own children.  I thought I would have 10 little ones running around the house.  If you know me, you know I love children.  So finding out that we were unable to have children of our own, for quite a few reasons, has been heartbreaking.  However, through that brokenness last year, God had spoken to  both Nic and I about adoption.  That's a whole story in and of itself.  The point is, He is calling us to something greater than ourselves, that we may not ever have been able to do had it not been for our inability to conceive.  And through His calling, I have found a sense of healing.  I still grieve over never knowing what it would be like to carry my own child the way that God had designed.  I will probably always grieve.  But it is not without hope, knowing He will use us in greater ways.

It is this same brokenness that pushes me to purge things from my life (when I rid our home of all the unGodly books, CDs, DVDs, etc), and go cold-turkey off the things that draw me away from God, until I can feel his presence again.

Sometimes I ask people their story. When was that moment that they came before the Lord and accepted his ruling in their lives. And so often I get a blank stare, or that they don't 'remember'. I never understood that. But as I am reading this book and reflecting on my own story, I think I remember these moments so vividly in my own life because of that brokenness. Those moments when I couldn't do life on my own anymore, so I gave Him back the control. Knowing what it did (and continues to do) for me, I pray that others can come to that point of brokenness, so they, too, can know that feeling of freedom when the weight has been lifted from their shoulders.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

For thus says the One who is high and lifted up, who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: “I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite.

Isaiah 57:15

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Psalm 147:3