Brokenness

Nic and I have been reading a chapter a night from the Brokenness/Surrender/Holiness book, by Nancy DeMoss, that my cousin Jess had sent to me last year. While reading about brokenness, I have realized that the moments in my life that stand out the clearest, that brought about the most change in me, were during periods of extreme brokenness. My sister, Colleen, took me to a Sunday night church service the day after my 18th birthday. I was doing all the wrong things, taking my life in the wrong direction, but that night I rededicated my life to Christ. I see it so clearly; what song was playing while I was face-down on the floor sobbing; how I could not see anyone else though the room was packed; and the heaviness that was on my heart . . .until it wasn't. And I was free. It had nothing to do with the sermon, since this happened before that. I was already broken. It was just the moment that I brought that brokenness before God and humbled myself before him.

About a year later I was on a first - and last - date with a man.  A few of his friends were around, but at some point I ended up alone with him at his apartment.  And long story short, God opened a door for me to escape before being raped.  I went home, ashamed and feeling dirty, trying to wash off the feeling of the sexual assault.  The next morning, as the sun was coming up, I drove to my grandparents house (who were away), and lay on the floor of their gazebo.  Sobbing.  Pounding my fists on the ground and crying out to Jesus to wash away the filth.  The crawling all over my skin.  The invasion of areas that were only meant for my husband.  My energy spent, I passed out.  When I awoke a few hours later, I had no pounding headache that normally comes after crying, the feelings of shame and disgust were gone, and I could feel the presence of the Lord with me.  I remember that moment so vividly.  The colors of the world had gone from dark and dull, to vivid and bright.  I had been completely healed.  And to this day I continuously thank God for that moment, that I would not bring any of it into my marriage with Nic.  I thank him for protecting me from even worse, and I pray and cry for the women who could not get away, that the Lord would heal them in an even greater way.

Last year, when my cousin Jess mailed me this book, it was because I had just gone through something very difficult.  I had a 'false' pregnancy, if you could call it that.  I knew Nic and I were unable to have children, but I began to have all the symptoms, down to an internal exam by my OBGYN who was convinced I was carrying a child.  Things were happening that I had never experienced with my body before.  I showed signs of being 6 weeks pregnant.  The problem was, I was NOT pregnant.  We still have no idea how or why it happened, but it was painful.  I have always wanted my own children.  I thought I would have 10 little ones running around the house.  If you know me, you know I love children.  So finding out that we were unable to have children of our own, for quite a few reasons, has been heartbreaking.  However, through that brokenness last year, God had spoken to  both Nic and I about adoption.  That's a whole story in and of itself.  The point is, He is calling us to something greater than ourselves, that we may not ever have been able to do had it not been for our inability to conceive.  And through His calling, I have found a sense of healing.  I still grieve over never knowing what it would be like to carry my own child the way that God had designed.  I will probably always grieve.  But it is not without hope, knowing He will use us in greater ways.

It is this same brokenness that pushes me to purge things from my life (when I rid our home of all the unGodly books, CDs, DVDs, etc), and go cold-turkey off the things that draw me away from God, until I can feel his presence again.

Sometimes I ask people their story. When was that moment that they came before the Lord and accepted his ruling in their lives. And so often I get a blank stare, or that they don't 'remember'. I never understood that. But as I am reading this book and reflecting on my own story, I think I remember these moments so vividly in my own life because of that brokenness. Those moments when I couldn't do life on my own anymore, so I gave Him back the control. Knowing what it did (and continues to do) for me, I pray that others can come to that point of brokenness, so they, too, can know that feeling of freedom when the weight has been lifted from their shoulders.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

For thus says the One who is high and lifted up, who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: “I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite.

Isaiah 57:15

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Psalm 147:3

Crocheted Ice Skate Ornaments

I have been crocheting these little ice skate ornaments like crazy lately.  Originally I was using other colors (red ice skates with white tops, green tops, gold tops, blue ice skates with white tops, etc), but after sending a few to my Mimi, she told me my aunt mentioned that white would look great on a tree.  So, I began knitting up white and loved how they were turning out.  It's more of a cream color, really, but delicate and soft.

This is supposed to be our first adoption fundraiser.  Although we do not plan on starting the adoption process until Nic's student loans are paid off, the $30,000+ it will take motivates me to start preparing even now.  I wanted to put myself into the process, where every dollar feels earned in some way.  I want to feel the sacrifice, and emotionally invest in bringing our child(ren) home.  Knitting and crocheting is just one way for me to do that.  When I am on my lunch break at work, waiting for Nic to pick me up after work, in the waiting room at the doctor's office, or in the truck with Nic on a long trip, keeping my hands busy and my heart consistently attached to the end goal of holding our future son(s) or daughter(s) helps me to continue on.  So, while it may seem silly to spend so much time crocheting an ice skate ornament only to get $1 to $2 for it, it is a spiritual process for me, and I can see the progress in my head as a step forward.  Each ice skate is one more step forward.  And I'll take those tiny little baby steps, because it means we are moving; we aren't standing still; it is not unattainable.

I have been discussing with Nic whether to open an account specifically for money earned from adoption fundraisers, or whether to throw it all at the student loans right now (to cut down on interest charges) until we actually start filling out the dossier and doing the home study.

I plan to mail these out to my Mimi and Tina in the next few days.  They are helping me by putting it on card stock and in plastic bags to sell at a boutique this fall.

If you want some hand-crocheted ice skates for your Christmas tree this year, let me know and I can whip some up and mail them out to you.  :)

Sevenly - Giving in a Christ-Centered Way

Image by: https://www.sevenly.org/

Sevenly is a website devoted to raising awareness for charity organizations, by featuring 1 cause each week and creating shirts to sell to raise money towards their goal.  $7 of the sale of each shirt goes directly to the charity.

MISSION: To harness the power of art and community to build sustainable awareness and funding movements that support charities in their efforts to change the world.

PURPOSE: We believe in the value of the human being, and that there is no greater calling than to provide, heal, rescue, and serve others.

VISION: To be the world’s most effective cause activation platform leading a generation toward intentional generosity and love for others.

Their overall purpose is driven from this verse found in the book of Matthew 22:36-40.

"“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. ’This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

This week, Sevenly is focusing on the charity Pencils for Promise:

Problem

With the start of a new school year, many of us can remember the excitement (and dread) of going back to school. But what if you were denied access to education? In Guatemala, this is the reality for most of the population. In areas where schools exist, 85% of them are inadequate, lacking sufficient space, classrooms, electricity, clean water and sanitation. Since the average child only attends school for 3 years, this is a world where children have little opportunity for a future.

Solution

Our goal this week is to build two classrooms for a village in Guatemala! If we raise $20,000, we'll be able to fund not only the entire cost of the construction and labor, but also supplies. Because of you, hundreds of children will receive education and hope for a brighter future! 

Surprise Newspaper!!

Two of my sisters, Tina and Faith (she will be 11 years old this month), surprised me with a handmade newspaper - customized to my life!  Shocked, I received it in the mail.  That weekend, my creative stepdaughter and I set about to reply to the newspaper, mailing out our own envelope of goodies.

Here is the newspaper they sent (click on the photos to enlarge):

I wrote back a letter to the editor, in outrage that the author of the front page article thought a grandmother could not knit ReTP, a question to Dear Gabby, and I sent a resume/cover letter for the CEO of the fictitious National Knitters of America (NKA) position from the classifieds. Channah wrote a few Dear Gabby letters, and other goodies herself to add to the envelope.

Tina may scan them in and I'll upload our replies later.  It is my understanding that when they received our envelope, they replied and we should be receiving something in the mail either today or tomorrow.  It's like having snail-mail pen pals all over again!!  What fun!!

Romans 10:15

And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"

~~~

Michelle


**EDIT**

Here is my letter to the editor that I sent back to Tina and Faith:

Michelle Cain

President of ReTP

To: Nashville News Headquarters

Dear Editor in Chief;

I am OUTRAGED over your article on the front page of the 1^st Edition of the Nashville News (Monday, August 20, 2012), titled “Knitting Fever Outbreak” by Jill Crochet.  As the owner of ReTP, it angers me that you would insist that anyone (let alone a seasoned grandmother!) would fail at their attempts to knit this ingenious design!

Also, to add further insult, the article not so subtly implies that Knitting Fever is a BAD thing!  As a news source, have you been following the economic crisis?  Knitting Fever is helping stimulate the knitting/yarn industry, helping us thrive and forcing us to CREATE jobs!! Are you saying stimulating an industry is bad?  Or are you saying it is only bad because it involves knitting, and the last name of the author is crochet, so they MUST be prejudiced against those with two needles!

Actually, now that I think about it, it seems to me that this is a form of discrimination. I may need to file a lawsuit unless you intend to recant the claims made in your article and fire that awful ‘author’ (if you can call her that!).

I look forward to your next issue when you correct these wrongs, or I’ll see that your paper is ruined!!

Not so sincerely,

Michelle Cain, President of ReTP

ReTP - The Actual Wording in the Pamphlet, Memo, and Recall Notice

These are the actual words in the ReTP Marketing Pamphlet, Employee Memo, and Recall Notice, in case you were unable to read it from the pictures:

(I apologize for the poor formatting.  I am having trouble formatting the text in Blogger, so some things will not center, and others will.)

Marketing Pamphlet (front)

ReTP

Reusable Toilet Paper for the Conservative Conservationist

You don't want to go without toilet paper.  We understand.  But you also don't want to kill trees and waste money by buying it over and over and over again.  ReTP - a product you can roll with!

With ReTP you can do all the fun things you can do with normal toilet paper, and THEN some!  We have designed ReTP to appeal to your multi-purpose lifestyle.  ReTP is the Swiss Army Knife of toilet paper, but without any annoying blades to sharpen.

The only limit to ReTP is your imagination!

(top right photo: Stick something up your nose and have a nosebleed?  ReTP can help!)

(bottom right photo: Need an alternative to buying costly toilet paper and killing trees? ReTP can help!)

**Note the book on the back of the toilet and under Nic's arm is 'The Agony and the Ecstasy' by Irving Stone**

Marketing Pamphlet (back)

You have a LeakAlertor; you recycle; you buy organic food.  You use all the 'Green' products on the market, including recycled toilet paper, but you don't feel that is enough.  It's not!  ReTP can help you take it to the next level!

Alternative Uses for ReTP:

~Use it as a bandage!

~Use it as a sweatband!

~Use it as a cloth napkin!

~Use it as a towel!

~Use it instead of a baseball to play 'catch' with your kids!

~Use it as a bath cloth, dish cloth, face cloth!

~Use it as a flag!  Wave it to show your 'Green Pride!'

~Use it as a teething toy for infants!

Care Instructions/Pricing Information

ReTP is made with your laziness in mind!  We know that you hate to spend too much time taking care of your belongings – that was SOO 1970!  You would rather throw it away and buy a new one.

That’s why we make ReTP with 100% cotton!  Throw it in the laundry with your towels – or if you use ReTP AS your towel, throw it in with your clothes!  We don’t care, throw it in the dishwasher!  Or, don’t even bother washing it.  Hang it on the towel bar in your bathroom to dry!  ReTP is so easy to clean.

Who cares about germs and bacteria anymore?  Spray it with Lysol.   If you believe in the 5-second rule when you drop food on the floor, don’t even bother de-germinizing it at all, you ingest a ton of harmful bacteria already and you’re still alive!

ReTP is made to order.  When writing/calling/emailing your purchase requests, make sure to take into consideration how many you will realistically need.  Because of the personal intimate nature of ReTP, we recommend you buy one for each member of the household – including the animals.  Once you have a ReTP, we guarantee you will bring it with you wherever you go!

$19.95/each (1-5 units)

$18.95/each (6-10 units)

$18.45/each (11-100 units)

$18/each (101-150 units)

$17.95 (151 – 200 units)

$17.90 (201 +)

We do not give further discounts, don’t ask

No Returns, No Refunds

ReTP – the perfect gift for the person who has everything else!

Employee Memo:

Attention All n^th Solutions LLC Employees, Owners, and Occupants

The LeakAlertor^tm was a wonderful idea but not enough.  Water conservation, but not tree conservation?  What were you thinking?  Don’t worry.  I’ve fixed it for you.

You must now use the ReTP (Reusable Toilet Paper) at every bathroom visit.  This one ReTP shall be shared equally between everyone, regardless of age, race, gender, or reason for use (#1, #2, #3, etc.).  Nothing says Family like sharing your germs, and remember . . . this is a family company. 

Hang to dry and spritz with Lysol or Fabreeze as needed.

Think ‘bottom line’ – it will save money and increase my inheritance.

Thank you,

Michelle Cain

Recall Notice:

Press Release

Voluntary Safety Recall of ReTP

ReTP Knit Manufacturing has determined that a defect which relates to public health safety exists in ReTP Toilet Paper and is issuing an urgent voluntary recall.

Orlando, FL, June 27, 2010: Due to unforeseeable hygiene issues with ReTP, we have been notified by multiple agencies that many of our customers and gift recipients have contracted Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease after using ReTP as bathroom tissue followed by other uses, such as infant teething toy and toothbrush wiper cloth without disinfecting between uses. If you experience any of the following symptoms, please see your healthcare professional immediately: fever, poor appetite, malaise, sore throat, painful sores in mouth, or non-itchy skin rash with or without blisters. Other concerns include a possible outbreak of the Bubonic Plague.

ReTP Designer, Michelle Cain, has this to say; “We were pioneers on a new frontier. Everyone knows when you walk into unknown territory that there’s risk of being shot with a gun. It happens. Move on. There was nothing we could have done to prevent this from happening, because we were unaware that it was even possible. It was unforeseeable.”

For this reason we advise all ReTP owners to either:

• Mail back your new or used ReTP as soon as possible.
• Throw your ReTP in a hazardous materials trash receptacle.

Information about Mailing Back

If you decide to mail your ReTP back to us, please be aware.

1. We are not issuing refunds. As we have stated, these problems were unforeseeable and could not have been prevented. We were pioneers on a new frontier.

2. You will be responsible for your own shipping fees.

3. You will not receive a new product. No new ReTP will be designed to correct this issue.

ReTP - Reusable Toilet Paper for the Conservative Conservationist!

A few years ago I had a light bulb moment when trying to think of a Father's Day present for my Dad.  I was on a tight budget, but I came up with something I knew he would get a kick out of.

Introducing ReTP:

• First, knit up a roll of toilet paper with some yarn scraps.  I used the pattern Toilet Paper, by Anna Hrachovec, on Ravelry.com.  I also used an empty toilet paper roll to put inside and help it keep it's shape.

• Then, I had fun and took pictures of different 'uses' for it using my husband and stepdaughter as models.  My stepson was amused by the idea, but balked at the idea of having himself photographed.

• Next, I made marketing pamphlet.  (My father is the engineer and manufacturer of the LeakAlertor, a leak detection device you install on toilets, so this appealed to his business mentality as well as the gross humor of most men).  

Here's the marketing pamphlet:

Front

Back

• The next step was to create an Employee Memo to hang in the bathroom of my father's business:

• A few days after sending out the above documents (laminated at Staples for super cheap to make a greater impression), and the knitted ReTP, I mailed out a safety recall:

So there you have it!  It was a great father's day present, did not cost much except for the time, was incredibly fun to put together, and made a big impact!  It's also a great idea for a gag gift!  I remember one time Nic and I told my grandmother in all seriousness that there was a toilet paper shortage, and taught her a way to conserve toilet paper by using only one square (something Nic learned during his time in the Army as a joke) - maybe one day I'll find a youtube video or something to show it.

If you are not able to read the print in the photos, even when clicking on the photo to enlarge it, then go HERE to find the plain text found on the marketing pamphlet, employee memo, and recall notice.

BONUS!  No more problems with fingers poking through your toilet paper!!

Relevant Scripture:

John 6:12

When they had all had enough to eat [ReTP], he said to his disciples, "Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted."

(Verse changed to reflect what I believe Jesus' true thoughts would be on ReTP)

~~~

Michelle

French Doors and Shelving

Yesterday was a very productive day.  It was Monday, so Daniel came over as usual.  But before that, Nic and I knocked out items on our to-do list.

Some of that included finishing another coat of paint on our french doors.  They have been sitting half-done for months.  When they were originally installed, the handyman put 1 coat of paint on them and left the paint. I suppose they expected us to finish the job.  Nic finished that up, pulled off plastic that covered the glass, and Daniel meticulously cleaned each glass pane.  Teamwork!

Here they are!

It looks straight into our multi-purpose room.  Multi-purpose because it is my office (computer/knitting), but doubles as Jesse's bedroom when the kids are with us.  The house was advertised as a 3-bedroom when we signed the lease, with the understanding they would install french doors.  We envisioned solid french doors for privacy, thus making it a real 3rd bedroom.  We did not expect clear glass.

So our dilemma is this.  How do we cover the glass panes without permanently damaging the doors, molding, or walls?  The doors open inward into his room.  We are trying to figure out cost-effective solutions.


We also installed a shelf in his room to hold some books that I have given him:

I am praying that having the books neatly organized and in his line of vision will encourage him to read more. And now that he has a real bed, with pillows he loves, and not an uncomfortable fold-out couch, that he will want to spend time on that instead of 'being bored'.

On a side note:  We went to Walmart and Books-a-Million last night trying to find bookends - just your standard everyday plain metal bookends.  We didn't find ANY!  Not even decorative ones.  Nothing at Walmart, and nothing at a book store!  Are bookends dated?  Does no one use them anymore? Thankfully the Left Behind series are hardbacks, and stand up firmly on their own.  I was just hoping for more support; less risk of hearing *CRASH* from the other room.


My verse for today; a difficult one for me to take to heart.  Praying God works on me to this end:

1 Thessalonians 4:11

"Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you."


~~~

Michelle

Bo's Abuse

This is Bo.  Short for Bonsai.  He was a gift from Daniel on what we thought was my last week at work, though I ended up staying another 3 weeks.

We (really I mean 'me') played around with a few names such as Fred (all my goldfish were of that name, and one lived to be quite old until it died in my Mimi's backyard pond when it froze during the winter), Jay (Bo is a dwarf jade, so Jay would be a play on 'jade'), or Bojangles (a combination of Bo - for bonsai - and Jay - for jade, and well, Bojangles because who doesn't like chicken and biscuits? though I've never eaten there myself).

But I settled on Bo.  Sometimes me or the kids will say something like "Did you take Bo out today?" as if we were talking about a dog.  I've read bonsai like to be outdoors in nice weather.  Or "Have you given Bo a drink?  Is he thirsty?"


The problem is, Bo has been severely abused and neglected at our house.  If he could talk, he would tell you that he was mistakenly given vinegar to drink for the first 2 weeks (uh - long story . . . ), or that his parents forget to open the blinds when they leave for work in the morning, or how his mom went a little too crazy on his haircut, or how he was moved to one of the kitchen windows next to the stove and was assaulted by severe temperature changes and grease flying.

Miraculously, through Bo's short life of abuse and neglect, he is still sprouting new growth.  And with that new growth, us - his parents - are growing in learning how to care for the first indoor plant we have had in our 6 years of marriage.

Romans 5:3-4

"...we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

A Few Large Steps of Faith . . . for us.

This is Michelle posting.  Nic and I are resting today in an effort to take seriously the Sabbath.  We cleaned up last night and made sure there was enough food cooked to hold us over through today.  I have a list on the table - anything that we notice needs to get done we write on the list to tackle tomorrow.  As recently as Friday, my work schedule and Nic's would overlap to where our only full day together was Sunday, so we would try to tackle projects around the house on that day.  God did not intend for us to work 7 days a week, so the overwhelming, stressed-out, burnt-out, exhaustive feeling we both had was due to not taking a real day to rest.  That has to change.  And it will, starting today.

My last day working as a temp at the Dollar General Corporate Offices was on Friday.  I had been there for 6 months, and the contract finally came to an end.  Part of me will miss the work, and the people, but the other part is relieved.  I originally thought the job was only for a few weeks.  It was a 'filler' when we first moved to Nashville until we could figure out what I could do that would be the best fit for our family and our goals.  The job I did does not lend much to my future career goals, and our family plans, though it is so easy to get comfortable where you are and not want to move out of it.

Thankfully we are able to meet our financial obligations on Nic's income, though it does not leave much wiggle room.  We have quite a few financial goals, so we'll need to figure something out to move us forward.

Some of those goals:

• Pay off Nic's student loans (right around $34,000 right now)
• Start the international adoption process to add to our family (Ethiopia has our hearts)
• Be able to pay some of Channah's and Jesse's college costs to keep them from debt (not much time)
• Plan for retirement
• Save a sizable chunk of money for a down payment on a small homestead (chickens anyone?)

I will (hopefully) continue school in the Spring towards an Accounting degree at Belmont (if I am accepted), utilizing the VA's Vocational Rehabilitation program.  I expect it to take another 3 - 4 years before obtaining my degree, only attending 3/4 time.

Nic posted an ad on Craigslist to do some odd motorcycle jobs on the side - but not the motorcycle brands he works on at Bloodworth.  Hopefully some people will be interested.  It will be nice for him to get his hands dirty on other models, and rake in a little extra income to pay down the student loans so we can get started on the adoption . . .  debt free.

We offered to lead a Financial Peace University class at church, so we'll see what happens with that.  Today Nic volunteered in the media center during our church service, and that seems like it will be an ongoing thing. Jesse is also interested, which is encouraging.  I may start helping as well.

We started a new class at church this morning, and are praying we make friends with some other couples.  God knows we need more of a support network in the area, instead of just relying heavily on our friend, Daniel.  And God knows I need some girlfriends to do womanly stuff with, especially if they are wives/mothers and want to learn/grow in the same areas as me.

I will call the staffing agency later this week to see if there are other employment opportunities available, or I may look for childcare positions.  I'm not sure yet.  We are a one-vehicle household, so we tend to coordinate our schedules to make commuting easier.  I'm praying for something part-time so I still have time to focus on taking care of the household and take some stress off of Nic.


Nic and I have grown so much together since we moved to Nashville and started attending our church.  We are now members (as of last weekend).  We pray together daily, read the Bible together daily (we finished Acts last week and are now in Romans), and pay attention to what we spend our time on.  We no longer watch or listen to things that are not God-honoring.  Thankfully, we have wonderful Christian radio stations, and our Bluray DVD player streams Youtube, so we are able to watch lifechurch.tv sermons, or Way of the Master episodes, or On the Box with Ray Comfort, or Paul Washer without needing the computer.  We have no lack of things to watch or listen to that will feed our souls, and not steal from it.  And the peace that comes with that . . . we have no desire to turn back.

We may be weird to the world, but we don't worry about what the world thinks.  We worry about what God thinks.

(Mark 8:36: What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?)